I Know I Deserve Better, But I Don't Want To Do Better...
First and foremost, and yes, I must start this blog as such...
I am a Twin Flame, undoubtedly. If you are wondering what that is, I highly suggest that you pause for a moment before continuing, and do a quick google search on what that is. I would love for it to be understanding in where this blog is coming from and headed to.
As a TF (Twin Flame, to make it short and sweet) I have been through a great amount of challenging experiences. Challenges where I seemed to lose myself and even my sanity for staying in something so debilitating yet, so transformational. And when I ask myself that, I can honestly say it is because of the latter.
I am a spiritual-minded individual, naturally. This is what I sleep, eat, and breathe on a daily basis. I figure, if conversations are divinely inspired, one way or another, count me in! I hold interest to divinely inspired. You can say, I'm something like a little Buddha, reaching my nirvana. Only I'm black, a woman, and not as quite as round and topless. Literally.
As a spiritualist, I realize that in this life-time I am here to master myself or as the saying goes, know thyself...aka Ascension... bka Enlightenment.
Hence comes the TF journey. Yes, it is a journey. This is the way I agreed to reach self-mastery. Through a reckless ass relationship in which I must find myself, and love myself, and become whole and complete on my own in order to arrive to union, or reunion. However it is.
Well, I signed up for some bull-shit! When I am triggered by my TF, I must realize that this is some sort of mirroring effect... He is just my mirror, re-enacting my worst fears that I burden deep within... Although he is doing the triggering, some how this is a hidden aspect of myself that I must realize, heal and overcome... Because this healing of my wounds, will heal us both..... ONLY BECAUSE he is my mirror. So, until we are all the way healed and whole on our own and in union, there will be triggering of the unhealed hidden aspects of our shadow side. And this goes vice versa, because we are twins.
Bull fucking shit (excuse my language)
And as confusing as that may seem or sound, it makes total sense to me when a emotional trigger occurs. Only because, if nothing bothers or triggers me, then I wouldn't find the need to respond or react negatively, which ultimately, steals my peace and joy.
And yes, I allow my peace and joy to be stolen time and time again. That EGO of mine.
The TF relationship is about unconditional TRUE LOVE. Not only towards your partner, but initially towards yourself. Because they only serve as a mirror. As within, so without.
So in being recently triggered, I felt so devalued, disrespected, and LIED TO! Not going into any particular juicy, drama-filled details (because this is stuff you could only make up; very unbelievable... and this is conveyed with much humor yet truth), I realized that I had to break this pattern in my life. I've experienced it in all my serious love relationships (two before my TF). Talk about self-mastery and being a Co-creator. With this New Moon in Pisces and weird astrological transit with Chiron aka The Wounded Healer, I knew something would resurface from the subconscious depths of my “beautiful” mind to be healed. And lo and behold!!! My opportunity to release this experience once and for all. I almost didn't catch the lesson. That darn EGO of mine.
I realized that this situation made me feel devalued, disrespected and lied to. So I looked in the mirror and asked myself, how was I devaluing, disrespecting or even lying to myself.
In all honesty, I couldn't come up with an answer.
I only grew more angry and hurt as I stewed in these feelings and pushed all of them back on my TF. “How could he?” “I'm so over this.” “I promise, he don't EVER have to see my face again.” “I hate this!” “Why me?” All these blaming and self-pitying statements. Which lead me to the egotistical response of... “I deserve so much better than this! We both know I do!”
As I gloated in this moment, a still, small thought responded, “Okay, so let's bring it back to you. You know you deserve better, but have YOU given yourself better?”
That thought hit me like a ton of bricks.
EUREKA!!! Epiphany time (Thank you Spirit)!
You know what? I havent given myself better. I know I deserve a better existence. I may even “try” doing things pertaining to self-love and self-care, but I never follow through. No self-control or discipline, and sometimes half-ass attempts when it comes to doing so. And I can think of so many other times and examples when I didn't act in my own best interest.
So how dare I even expect anyone to value, respect and honor, and be truthful with me, when I haven't. This is the lie I've been telling myself. I mean, I do love me but at times I act like I'm not worth it. Prime example, I haven't followed through with my vision of being a Vegan. Just to share with you, one supporting factor to my choice of veganism is the way that meat makes my body feel. I swear, when I eat meat bad things happen, but that’s another one of those stories that you can only make up. So the vision of me wanting to be a vegan is in total harmony with my being, but weeks or so down the line, I self-sabotage and cave into eating meat, which then messes up my whole good vibrations I have going for myself.
I want better, but I don't always do better, it seems. And this is towards anything that requires any real effort or calls forth greatness from me. Me truly stepping up to my DIVINE place of authority I have over my life and destiny. What is it really? Am I afraid to truly be happy or even the fear of it not working out?
I don't know.
BUT.....
From this moment forward, I can not give up on me. I can not think about the what if's. I am dedicated to loving myself unconditionally, even through the unpleasant parts of transformation. I have big VISIONS of myself. And the vegan lifestyle is just one of them.
In my expression of self-love I will not be afraid to share my heart or even MY truth because this is the beauty that I am and the beauty that I share in hopes of reflecting that same beauty that's within you.
That's kinda' deep ain't it?
This journey of self-mastery through love is a challenge, but I am gamed. As always. Because I really do love myself. And in loving me, I reflect that love back to you.
Until next time...
Signing off,
Elocin Ned'RAH (The Awaken Divine Feminine) (Maybe) (Gotta love myself first) (Just sayin')
